So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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