my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize