my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
