I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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