I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
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