ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
