Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
