I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
