That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
