I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
