just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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