My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
