I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
