So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
