I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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