no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
