if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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