I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
