y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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