I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
