I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
