apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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