We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
