yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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