I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
