She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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