Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
