Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
