So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize