I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
