So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
