when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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