he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
