DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
