You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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