I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
