I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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