I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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