there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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