the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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