mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
