dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
