I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
