Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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