She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
