Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
