I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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