I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I think i got beer on your cat.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
