Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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