I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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