Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
