be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
