He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
