I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
