why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
