Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What a fucking waste of an outfit
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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