I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
