he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
