Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
3pm strippers are depressing
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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